When Positivity turns toxic

“Everything happens for a reason”

“Don’t cry about it”

“There are worse things”

These are perhaps well-intentioned phrases that we often hear when we are going through difficult situations. However, they can be toxic because they deny your true feelings. The best thing to do is to express what you really feel without guilt and you will see that you feel much better.

What is Emotional Bypassing?

Emotional bypass is a term and concept coined by John Bradshaw in the early 1990s. It is most often used today to describe a type of “positive thinking addiction” that can be found in the spiritual community and leads people to ignoring, denying, or repressing negative emotions instead of dealing with them in a healthy way.
Experiencing difficulties such as illness, loss, or grief can be difficult to deal with emotionally. Some people may try to defend themselves by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “everything is going to be okay.” This positivity can make you feel better in the moment, but if you constantly try to be positive and ignore the problem, you will only create a false sense of peace. It is important to allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions in order to heal, grow as a person, and move on.

What can you do about instead?

If you have a friend who is going through a difficult time, help them process their emotions by giving them space to express themselves and validating their feelings. Focus on listening to others and showing support.

Develop an attitude of “it’s okay to not be okay.” This will help shift your perspective from thinking it’s wrong to have negative emotions, to instead accepting that it’s not reasonable to expect to be okay all the time.

Try to manage your negative emotions, but don’t try to push them down or deny them.

Warning signs that you’ve been controlled by a narcissist and what to do about it.

Are you in a relationship and not sure if it is toxic or healthy? Have boundaries being crossed, causing you discomfort?

If you are having a hard time in a relationship, and you are feeling you are being controlled and manipulated,  it may be time to check if you can recognise any of the signs listed below.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder characterised by self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and unconscious manipulative behaviour.

This person, whether a romantic partner, friend, or family member, may be controlling you and hurting your personal and professional life. But there may be more to it than that. This narcissist may also be affecting your self-esteem.

Do feel you have a narcissist in your life who is controlling you?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition which often requires diagnosis and attention of trained medical professionals. I am not a fan of labelling people, however, if you notice any of the signs listed below, it may help you realise if you have a narcissist in your life and how to overcome their toxic behaviour towards you. 

What is mind control?

The basic definition of mind control is brainwashing and persuasion that is done to your inner thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.  Mind control involves manipulative tactics that help the person impact your mind and behaviour. 

It can take different forms, but narcissists are skilled at using this technique to manage you. 

It is important to highlight that a narcissist only interested in satisfying their own needs, sometimes at the expense of others,  so controlling you is just part of their game.

A big part of mind control is coercive persuasion, a form of psychological manipulation wherein the manipulator uses different techniques to coerce someone into doing what they want. Some persuasion tools include: threats, rhetorical questions, use of self-name or social status – or even flattery or showering their “victim” with gifts.

The persuasion puts the victim under extreme stress and anxiety. 

Subtle control. 

Narcissists know to how to use subtle control, so you don't even realise you're doing what they want. 

Narcissists use trigger phrases to control you. Some common phrases include disappointment and statements about their feelings: “I always have your back”, “I’ll never do that to you”.

They may remind you of how you're supposed to behave and think. 

What are the warning signs of a narcissist's mind control?

Narcissists are often seen as charming and wonderful, but the truth is that they're the total opposite. They have no empathy for others, and their sole goal is to fulfil their desires, you are just another pawn in their game. If you have a problem, they're not going to care. The key to telling if they're an actual narcissist is if they don't care that they may be hurting others with their behaviour. 

Here are some signs to look out for if you're worried you might be involved with a narcissist.

A narcissist who is using mind control doesn't care about your feelings or pain. If you have a problem, they're not going to care. 

A narcissist will use a variety of emotional and other manipulative techniques to get you to do or think a certain way. 

Flattery and “Love Bombing”

A narcissist may use flattery to make you feel great about yourself and love to control you.

Narcissistic abusers use "love bombing" to gain the trust of their victim. Gestures, such as excessive compliments and sending flowers or showering you with gifts, are used to make the victim feel wanted and cherished. This is used to create an intense, yet false, connection. Soon, the narcissist may begin to accuse their victim of not being enough. At the same time, the victim will be isolated from others to prevent them from receiving support, so they can be easily managed  

Masters of Drama: Chaos and Uncertainty

The narcissist will try to create chaos and uncertainty, so the victim doesn't know what to expect from them. This also gives the narcissist more control because they get to decide how things are handled. The victim is left so confused that they can't even know what to do or how to escape.

Gaslighting and Shifting Blame

Gaslighting and shifting blame are common techniques used by a narcissist. Not taking responsibility of their own actions.

Narcissists often use these techniques to make sure they're seen in a positive light. They do this by making the victim question their own memory and perceptions of a scenario.

Gaslighting is a term coined by the journalist Patrick Lumumba in the movie Gaslight. It comes from a scene in the movie where an abusive husband makes his wife doubt her own memories, thoughts, and beliefs by using a series of lies, misdirection, and contradiction. It's a way of manipulating someone by denying that there is a problem, turning the tables and putting the responsibility on the victim. They do this in a way where the victim can never "win" the argument, and the narcissist has the power to always be the victor in their twisted games.

A narcissist never takes responsibility for their behaviour, so they blame someone else for their problems or mistakes. It can help a narcissist retain a positive image in the minds of others and maintain the status quo.

How to break free from a narcissist?

It's usually not easy to get away from the mind control of a narcissist. Mind control is a form of emotional abuse. It involves a form of systematic manipulation that can make the target feel as though their life revolves around the narcissist. 

It is also important not to be rude or make the narcissist feel insulted in any way. While it may seem counterintuitive to play along with the narcissist's denial, this can actually help you later on.  Avoid getting into arguments with narcissists, this will only make things worse. Understand that narcissists don't have the ability to listen to others and don't care about their needs. They won't care about your needs and desires, either. The narcissist will make claims that he or she is the victim, and the victimiser is someone or something else, just remember that the narcissist is lying and is the cause of all the issues.

Distance Yourself

Avoiding the narcissist physically may not be enough to escape his or her control. Any type of communication, such as phone conversations or even texts, can place you back under their thumb.

Support is Essential

In some cases, the victims require outside intervention and help to get away. You may need to seek help from a trusted family member, friend, or therapist to figure out how to escape. Support is essential.

Trust your Instincts

Do not delay seeking help, trust your instincts.

If you are in Australia, visit your GP who may write you a mental health plan, so you can get a rebate from Medicare. Otherwise, you can contact a therapist directly and make an appointment, you don't need a referral to do this.

The mind control that a narcissist can perform may astound you. They're capable of convincing you of anything and making you doubt your own memory and perception.

I’ve done nothing but love you 

They're able to get inside your head with a simple phrase. Take care of yourself by learning how to deal effectively with a narcissist.

Know your Self-Worth.

Narcissists can be as charming as they are devastating. The key to break this hold is to know your self-worth.

The secret behind The Law of Attraction

“The law of attraction isn’t working for me” 

“Why my manifesting is taking so long?”

“Manifesting isn’t real, it’s just wishful thinking”

Those are three phrases I often hear when I talk about The Law of Attraction and manifesting with people. To be honest, I dislike using the word “manifesting” and the term “Law of Attraction” because they sound a bit icky to me too. It makes me feel like achieving your goals or wanting a better life is something mystical, mysterious and unattainable or destined for certain kind of people only. 

Manifesting is based on a function in your brain,  not something exclusive for intuitive or psychic people, it works equally for everybody because it is enabled by the Reticular Activation System (RAS) which is the part of your brain that filters information based on your belief system as a guide to determine what’s important for you and what’s not, influencing what you focus on and impacting your behaviours and actions.

I am a financial analyst with an accounting background, believe me when I said I have analysed every aspect of manifesting thoroughly and have an explanation for each part of it. 

When you are aware that your brain is the one responsible to do the manifesting job, anything becomes a possibility, there’s no secret other than knowing exactly what you want and living in alignment.

I can’t make manifesting work for me, help

How many times you’ve followed every advice that you’ve heard and what you wanted to manifest didn’t happen. Maybe you’ve only had luck manifesting small items or a parking space in a busy car park but not the “bigger things” and the printed version of your “Universe cheque” is already yellow, if you still have it, of course, but there are no signs of the amount you wrote down there.

**** Maybe just add up all the money you received since you wrote it down and you’ll be surprise that you actually had that money, not in one chunk as you expected… (I know I did manifest that money- over 3 years, but I did!) ***

You manifest from possibility not reality

Let me give you an example: You want to manifest a trip to Bora Bora with your partner. 

Most people will look at their monthly expenses and their bank account and will say “this is impossible, there’s no way I’ll ever go to Bora Bora” but not you, because you’ve learnt that everything in this life is possible and you manifest from possibilities not from reality. So you still write this down as something to manifest.

The first step is to know how much that trip will cost, so you go online or check with a travel agent, and get a quote. You already know that anything you want is possible so you don’t  feel discouraged when you see the amount and it doesn’t agree with your current situation but you continue, we are manifesting here! 

Knowing how much money it will cost turns a wishful thought into something tangible, real and now you can start brainstorming a plan (please don’t make excuses as we usually do) on ways  you can make this trip happen for you. 

If you are woo woo, here you are sending the right signals to the universe letting it know that you are serious and ready for this. The exact how maybe is not clear yet but you made a start and you are open to receive. 

Moving on, you start listing some of those possibilities,  at least the most obvious ones:

  • Win the trip
  • Win the money
  • Start saving for the trip: Start a new revenue stream, sell some of unused stuff that are in good condition, etc

Your job is to be opened to take every opportunity that comes your way. 

Still nothing?

So it’s been a couple of months already but the trip is nowhere to be seen. You start feeling discouraged. 

“I did everything to manifest this trip but something seem not to be right. I wish upon a star,  and meditated an hour a day to win this trip. I know it works equally for everybody but it is not working for me.. I followed all the tricks I found online, I deeply wished and hoped, I felt it like it was true, I put it in my vision board, I have a picture of the hotel in Bora Bora as a screensaver, I changed all my passwords to itraveltoborabora, I felt the breeze on my face, I promise! I was close to wear my beach dresses every day and to put sand in my living room.

I even met  the universe half way and start saving for the trip,  participated in every competition to win it but I had to spend the money on something unexpected and I didn’t even come close to be the winner. Law of attraction, manifesting my a***, it doesn’t work for me!

Okay, Okay. Let’s go bit by bit

First, I will never ask anybody to meditate for that long seriously, especially if you are a mum – I consider myself lucky if I can have a shower without being interrupted –  kudos if you’ve got the time but that doesn’t work for me. I meditate to relax and keep in the flow, I implement mindfulness meditation everywhere I can, and use custom-made meditation and hypnosis audios.

Start simple: search YouTube for nice relaxation meditations, I like Brian Weiss or use an app like Insight Timer, that was suggested by intuitive coach Kristin Quattlebaum from KQ Coaching in our Facebook Group.

You did everything right! But… nothing

We all have been there! You did everything right but if the trip hasn’t happened then you have to dig a bit deeper. Most people don’t do it because it is sometimes painful to face those demons, not so much when it comes to manifesting a trip but some other stuff. If it becomes too painful, you may want to contact someone to help you through this. 

If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

Going all in

Let’s see, ask yourself why, digging deeper either by using a mindset tool like journaling or working with a coach you discover that you have I have a fear of flying on a plane. A fear deep inside you,  embedded in your subconscious mind that you probably forgot that it was there or may not even know about it. Like my fear to have shells in my house.

The thing is that until you clear that “fear”, it  will no matter how many times you wish to go to Bora Bora, it won’t happen.  There will be always an excuse to spend the money you saved  and you won’t be the winner of the trip because your subconscious programming, that fear of flying, will sabotage all your attempts to accomplish that goal.  

Remove Obstacles

Clear fear or limiting belief  

Sometimes it is more than one limiting belief but only by clearing the more obvious one you can discover the other ones but you’ll see a big progress when you start with the first one. 

I had to work through and clear traumatic events in my life in order to progress, some other times I had to face my inner critic and learning to listen to her with attention and no judgement. 

Remove as many obstacles as possible to bring you closer to that goal and you’ll see that you’ll get what you ask for. You may win it, get pay rise or a bonus at work, have an awesome idea and start making money, a friend gifting it to you, etc. Everything is a possibility.

Everything that happens in your life serves a purpose, be patient and kind to yourself.

Sign up for my mailing list to receive the manifesting road map with a clear exercise to start training yourself towards manifesting. 


Attract anything your heart desires in 7 simple steps

Sign up below to receive a have a blueprint to create the life you deserve even if you believe it is not possible.

You’ve successfully signed up! Check your email for details.

privacy policy

Redesign your Reality

A chat with transformational coach Jennifer Willemsen.

If you want to change your life, you may want to check what habits and behaviours that are creating your current reality and modify them to create new results.

In this interview, Jennifer Willemsen, from our team, explains why it is sometimes difficult to get a different result when we rely on our willpower or on our conscious mind and what to do instead.

We also talk about how alternative therapists change behaviours from the root itself and identify what are the beliefs that hold people back and how emotional triggers are a blessing in disguise because they help us evolve, grow and heal from within.


Jennifer: I am an intuitive life coach. And I also coach entrepreneurs. And besides that, I have my own startup. But with the coaching,  I have the ability to clear people’s limiting beliefs on a subconscious level and I can integrate new truths that is propelling them forward. And I also share messages from their true selves. So I act like a channeler or messenger about what their real selves wants me to share with them at that moment in their life. So that’s how we work through different areas that where they have blockages or that are holding them back.

Claudia: So, how important is to put things on a surface level so we can see and work through them?

Jennifer: I can’t stress enough how important that is because so we have our conscious mind, right? and our subconscious mind.  Our conscious mind is five percent or less of who we are and how we operate. And so all our programming, to say like that, it’s almost like a computer game and all the programming language, our subconscious minds, actually, ninety five percent. So that’s almost everything that we are in and where are we coming from. I used to be a psychologist and when most therapies you are working on a conscious level, but it’s like you looking at the top of the iceberg and just looking at that and working with the ice sculpture. Well, everything is below sea level. Below the water. So, underneath the water. So, you know, if you want to make changes, it’s really hard work, if you’re going to change the computer game, if you are in a computer game, right? You want to you need to go back to the coding language and rewind your limiting beliefs, rewrite the programming language. And that’s how you create a new computer game. That’s how you redesign your own reality.

Claudia: You can read all the books and you can do all the online programs. But I think it’s important to work with a therapist

Jennifer: Two things I want to say about that. I used to read every book about, for example, the Law of Attraction and then I went to The Secret. I meditated for eight years. I went to thousands of seminars on personal development and business growth. But I still realize like making slow progress. And I felt like something deeper within me, like something from it, from like when it was zero or like two or three, you know, something from a very long time ago that was holding me back. And I need to dig really, really deep. And I learned it like in those. We talk about the programming language is the biggest chunk of that comes from our age of zero and seven. So it’s really difficult to get there with your conscious mind. You know that you can get far a bit with like meditation, hypnosis or do it yourself, but you really want to have someone who can easily tune in on you and say, you know, this is it.

Though, where most therapists go on emotional level and try to work with that, what I do and maybe also other alternative coaches,  we go deeper on the energetic level and we create shifts there and then automatically because the energetic body is a driving source behind our physical, spiritual, emotional body and so many more bodies that I don’t know the existence of. You go straight to the root and then it’s so incredibly profound and it doesn’t require you to cry it all out. It just shifts to an identity and you will immediately notice that it changes your behaviour because their roots have changed.


Claudia:  We [Human beings] are in constant evolution. How triggers help us go that extra step up?

Well, you know, remember we talked about ego and indifferent to ego versus our true selves. And so ego wants us to stay small and comfortable and not do anything crazy. And these that cause of their anxiety, insecurity and fear and our true self is like sees our bigger picture of our life, knows why we came here and wants us to step into our greatness and like, try. You know. But most people, their ego is like so dominantly in their presence or active in them that their true self. That’s why many people say higher self because it’s almost like your higher self stepped away from you, because there’s almost no space for it, because ego is all around you. Is that truth within you? And so ego is almost like if you look at it as in the sense of evolution, it’s almost a self, because every time your ego gets triggered, it’s a mirror for where you need healing on the inside, though. And when I start to realize that, I find it so more empowering because I used to get really anxious when I felt anxiety or I used to get really like talking myself lower and lower when I guess when I got like, negative self-talk. But now I’m like, wait a minute, this is ego. What is my trigger and what is my weak spot? And so that creates the opportunity to break, to evolve and grow and heal from that space.

Working with a coach

Claudia: If a tennis player wants to become the best tennis player, he hires a coach. In car raising, in any sport, they hire a coach. So if you want to become better, and the fact that we have the internet, it makes it easier to get the right person to work with the right person, someone that you feel good and close. Not everyone is for everybody.

Jennifer: It’s hard to see everything about your own life. If you are having that from the inside perspective of you, you know, if you are in it and someone looks at it from the outside perspective, you can gain so much clarity in such a short amount of time. You don’t have to do it all alone. People who can help me so quickly and it can be so nice to know that one’s for you and supporting you and having that nourishing, loving energy of another human being that has your best interest in her heart. Yeah, I think that’s really a gift for yourself.

Work with Jennifer

You can find Jennifer in our wonderful directory of life, transformational and intuitive coaches. You can book a 15-minute online discovery call to find out how she can help you move forward with your business and clear limiting beliefs that are hindering your growth right now and share intuitive business guidance that is coming through for you.

I used Sonix transcription software to transcribe a zoom chat into this blog post. How cool is that! Get 30 minutes free transcription >>>>

The power of beliefs, they control your life even when you are not aware of them

What do you think about seashells? 
Seashells are good for Feng Shui, they represent protection and are believed to enhance travel luck and strengthen long-distance relationships.
One website cites: “Keeping seashells in a basket will bring much-needed luck in your life. For greater wealth: Decorate a water fountain with seashells. In Feng Shui, a flowing water fountain symbolises money flowing into the house. Adding seashells helps protect that money.” 
I was surprised to find out the seashells are good for Feng Shui because one of the “rules” is not to keep “dead things” inside your house, this includes dead flowers, plants, animals and I thought shells were included in that category as well.  But apparently not.

How my limiting beliefs got in the way of my beloved Feng Shui practice

Even though I’ve implemented Feng Shui practice at home and follow it very closely because I believe in its power to activate good energy. My set of beliefs are more powerful.
For more Feng Shui tips join our free Facebook group, we post a new tip every Friday.

Most beliefs are formed in our childhood.

My grandfather, who was very superstitious, didn’t like when my brothers and I brought shells to his house. He said it was bad omen. Probably he explained why but it has since escaped my memory.
His house was in front of the beach so you can only imagine how many times my brothers and I brought shells home and he made us throw them out of the house. It worked as reinforcement.
I was reminded of this last month when my son came back from the beach with a pocket full of shells.

“Mummy I got you a surprise!”

seashells good luck or bad luck

My face:

My heart stopped for a little when I saw those shells.

Looking at those shells sparked all the fears associated with keeping shells at home, I only thought of all the bad things that could happen if I let those shells stay.

Thanks to years of inner work I’ve developed the ability to know where the fears come from; I’m not always able to transform or reframe those beliefs on my own but at least I can recognise them.

I had buried the belief that shells are bad deep inside my subconscious mind, it’s not something I think of every day, but I knew if I keep all the shells I’ll be focusing in the negative and worse attracting it.

Whatever You Focus on Expands

Beliefs are formed in our childhood and even though we don’t think of them daily, they are present and rule our lives.

It is not messing up with my life and out of all the beliefs I need to reconsider maybe this is not an important one. Our experiences shape the way we live our lives, so pick and choose your battles.

There are harmful beliefs and useful beliefs, if the belief is not hurting you or stopping you from reaching your goals, or holding you back from being successful, then it is fine, keep it.

I could potentially transform this belief by working with a therapist and using a tool from my mindset toolkit.

I could find evidence that shells are actually good, I can rewrite my past, show my brain that it is safe to keep the shells at home.

What did I do with the shells?

As for the shells, I didn’t let the thought worry me. I thanked my son for being so thoughtful in collecting those shells for me and secretly dispose of them in the bin the next day. Thirty days later, at the time of writing this post, no one has asked for the shells yet.

To chat about Feng Shui, Ego, Limiting beliefs join our Facebook group.

How to set healthy boundaries without feeling like a b*tch

Personal boundaries are about respecting yourself and demanding respect from others. It’s about knowing which behaviours, from family members or colleagues at work, you are willing to tolerate and which you are not. Setting boundaries will help you feel in power and in control of yourself instead of feeling like a victim.

Setting personal boundaries means to establish reasonable and safe guidelines or limits for people to behave towards you and how you would respond if someone crosses them.

But demanding something for ourselves can leave us feeling uncomfortable so we need to learn how to healthily set them without feeling bitchy, guilty or mean.

Being a nice person doesn’t mean you need to be a people pleaser.

How to effectively set personal boundaries

Value yourself. You have the ability to set your own boundaries as you see fit. Learn to know yourself and your values. Few people will treat you better than you demand, so take responsibility for taking care of yourself.

Define yourself. Do not let anyone else define you. Decide who you are, what you want to be, and how you deserve to be treated. What are you willing to accept from others? What are you no longer willing to accept?

Make yourself your priority. No one else is more important than you. Running yourself ragged for others really isn’t helping anyone. You’ll be a better person, parent and partner if you take good care of yourself.

Know your triggers. You can’t control everyone, but you can make it clear that you won’t tolerate rude or negative comments. They are comments or actions that affect you deeply. By becoming aware of your triggers, you can learn to notice when others are “pushing your buttons” and consciously calm yourself to tone down your reaction.

Communicate openly. When people cross your boundaries, it’s up to you to inform them. Many times, this is as simple as refusing a request. The word No is a complete sentence. You may be required to provide more explanation in other instances but don’t justify yourself, be firm. Others are unable to give you what you want if you don’t provide feedback.

Avoid taking things personally. Learn how to brush off comments that don’t matter,  these are never a reflection of you, anyway. Handle issues with kindness and respect. Use a neutral and calm tone of voice while communicating. Take your time to defuse from your emotions.

Work on your body language. Body language is extremely important in any situation. When trying to become more assertive, your body language must reflect this as well. Stand straight, speak up, make sure your hands aren’t crossed over your chest, and maintain eye contact with whomever you’re speaking with. When you look confident, people will perceive you as such.

Having boundaries is an exercise in caring for and respecting yourself. You have the right to expect a certain level of respect and consideration from others. Boundaries are not only good for your self-esteem and general mental health, but they are good for all other aspects of your life. They also help to put you in a better position to care for your friends and family.

Introduce changes gradually and test them. Be committed and patient. Developing and mastering new skills take time. Nurture yourself with self-care. Self-care is the best and easiest way to build your confidence up.

Coping with change, the ladder of inference, boundaries and motherhood

Early this year, I had an incident in my son’s childcare centre that marked a turning point for me.

I felt all the mum-guilt being put on my back, and I felt blame for all that was going on. I felt I was failing as a mum for making my son behave like this. I’m sure you, as a mum, have felt like this before. No one can prepare us for this. Am I doing it right? What should I do in these circumstances? Am I being a b*tch?

My current mindset is set to look for the lessons, this incident taught me the following:

  1. I need to work on setting boundaries and becoming more assertive.
  2. I must step away from the mum-guilt
  3. My role as a mum is to support my son’s wellbeing and to guide him through change while checking on my own wellbeing as well.

Last February, when I picked my son up from daycare, his main carer told me he’d been looking sad, hadn’t been eating properly, had been hiding from her and not interacting with other kids.

“Something may be upsetting him”; his behaviour had been this way for weeks.


She asked me all the routine questions: “Have there been any changes at home?” She also asked a question that triggered me: “Is his daddy still around?” I wanted to say: WTF! That is a personal question. You are crossing boundaries here, and if his daddy is around or not or if there’s no daddy at all is none of your business. 

but.. I didn’t say anything, just left the centre crying, thinking what did I do to upset my son that much! 




When facing a problem, something that sparks an instant reaction, ask yourself, why is this triggering me?* 

Why did it trigger me?

  • Because we made changes at home. I resigned from my corporate job to start a business in order to spend more time with my son, but he clearly didn’t like it because he was upset. I’d better be working full-time, going back to “normal” because I wasn’t doing a good job as a mum since I was causing distress to my son.
  • I was dealing with my own set of changes from being an employee to being a business owner.
  • Because I felt she crossed a professional boundary, and I blame myself because I was always allowing that to happen, “people never respect you, Claudia”
  • Because my whole life I’ve been battling anxiety and depression. Maybe he had inherited this from me, or he was projecting me at daycare.

That’s the story my brain created. There’s a need to process and explain everything; it’s how we are wired. However, my conclusions were based on assumptions, not reality.

The Ladder of Inference

“ The Ladder of Inference describes the thinking process that we go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact to a decision or action” – Mindtools

I was high up in that ladder, assuming that I was the problem. However, it may not be true at all. In order for me to find the facts, I needed to step down the ladder to find out what was really going on.

Bye, bye, blame, guilt, feeling bad about myself, beating myself up for feeling I was failing as mum. I needed to stop thinking “I don’t want to be a “difficult person” when I asked them to investigate the matter further and decided to take action. I needed to get over the thoughts of being the “annoying mum” because I was concerned for his emotional wellbeing, but then more guilt and anxiety came because “I don’t want to be a helicopter mum.”

Stripping down to facts

Changes at home happened 6 months before this incident, and sure, I was still adjusting, but we were happy spending time together.

There have been changes in the centre in recent weeks: 3 staff members had left and we started toilet training. His closest friends had moved to a different room on another floor once the oldest kids left to start school. One of his favourite carers moved on with his career and left.

I think all the above situations can have massive impact on the life of a then almost 3-year-old and could explain his withdrawal behaviour in the centre.

Defuse your emotions

By defusing my emotions, I was able to think clearly, and then I knew what I had to do.

I was very happy with how the centre handled the situation. They listened to my concerns and supported my request for changing carers. He went to a new room with his old mates and was back to being his usual self. He still enjoys playing solo, but no one is concerned about that, certainly not me.

Changes affect us all… but not all of us cope in the same way.

In my mindset toolkit I keep tools to help me strip down to the facts so I could find a solution. However, how did I fail to recognise my son’s struggles with change?

Ask for help, you don’t need to have all the answers

Even though no one prepares you for motherhood, we have people around us who can help us become the parent we want to be. One of them is Jodie Thornton.

Jodie Thornton is a parenting coach who helps mothers build their kids’ emotional skills. She sees this pattern regularly where we adults look to our conditioning first to explain any issues that our kids are experiencing. So daycare educators often look to the most common reasons for a particular behaviour – in this case she may have seen similar behaviour from kids when their parents have separated – and we mothers are quick to assume that the cause must be our failings as mothers, as our culture tells us that we are usually to blame.

“It is that cultural conditioning that is getting in the way of us adults looking to what is happening for kids as individuals in the specific situation they are in” Jodie said.

Our cultural conditioning often goes even further to say that when our kids are experiencing change, that we should just ride it out and accept that our kids are having a hard time, sometimes from a softer space of “they’ll get used to it” and often from the harder energy of “they need to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them”.

While time often does help, in this case with my son while there was a lot of change happening in his life, it turned out that the specific change that had affected him was an issue with this educator which time was not going to solve. Potentially the educator could have improved her relationship with my son but time alone wouldn’t have been enough. If I had chosen to ride out the changes, or if I had been focused on the changes at home, I wouldn’t have realised that a positive relationship with the carer was what my son really needed.

Jodie’s suggestions for helping our kids through change:

  1. Treat any ideas that come up about how the changes are affecting your child as just ideas. 99 children might have the same reaction to a situation but the 100th child might have a different reaction. Our children need support for their specific experience rather than what is likely happening for them based on the situation.
  2. Regularly mention the changes without any agenda for the conversation so that your child is turning their attention to how they are feeling about it. Use sentences that aren’t leading to positive or negative feelings, just stating the facts so that it leaves space for them to share whatever might be coming up for them: “It’s so different at your new daycare” “You used to have Aaron as your carer and now you have Jane” “I’m at home more these days now that I have my business”. Sometimes validating their feelings about the process of change is all that is needed and sometimes you’ll find out new information about what they need to help them thrive through the change.
  3. For young children, creating a scene with toys in play to mirror the changes allows them to role-play to process their feelings, find words to and get creative about what solutions they might like to ask for. So set up the dolls or transformers and say “oh look, this is a kid going to daycare and they are saying goodbye to Aaron because he doesn’t work here anymore. And now here’s Jane, the new carer” This can be a brilliant insight into how your child is feeling and what they’re thinking about the changes.

Once you believe you’ve worked out the cause of their struggle to accept the change, try out a solution and keep an open mind. It’s normal to need to try a few things to help them fully adjust to the change.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

*Resources available for you right now:

Listen to Jim Fortin’s podcast episode on triggers to start seeing them as blessings. Click here

Book a session with Jodie Thornton and follow her on Facebook.

Healing therapies: are online sessions effective?

How busy are you these days? So many things you want to get done but just don’t have the time? It happens to the best of us. There just aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes. There are many things that you can now do online from the comfort of your home, including online shopping, banking online and catching up on the news. There are now also options to have certain appointments via video link on your computer. This has made life a lot easier in that regard as it means you do not need to spend time travelling to and from and it can be a lot more efficient for you.

Appointments such as those with your life coach or business coach or therapist can be done via online video link. Many people wonder if this method is efficient and works in the same way as an in-person appointment would. In our experience, this method is still highly successful for the involved parties and can have a very positive impact on you. There are many reasons why we think that this works and can continue to work moving forward.


One of the reasons that various appointments seem to take forever is because once you factor in the travel to and from, the parking and then the waiting for your turn – they tend to take forever! The benefit of having your appointment via video link is that you do not need to go anywhere in the lead up to the appointment. You can continue doing your day to day activities in the lead-up and then jump over to the computer once it is time to commence. This means that you are maximizing your time management.


Being in the comfort of your own home means that you can make yourself as comfortable as possible for your appointment. Your therapist or coach is not going to mind if you have a blanket wrapped around you during your appointment. They want you to be as comfortable as possible and be in a position where you are happy to talk and release your emotions. This is a lot easier to do in a familiar place where you feel comfortable. You do not need to worry about walking out of the appointment and having people in the waiting room looking at you because you have tears running down your face or because you have become anxiety.


Being in a familiar place with things that mean something to you, will help you to release the emotions, talk about the harder issues and push you to build your confidence. You will be more inclined to talk about the harder subjects, knowing that you are in a safe place. Your confidence levels will be boosted and you will be able to push through your boundaries and come up with some great plans and ideas.


Being just one on one with your therapist or coach – even via video link gives a much more personal feel. When you have an appointment in an office, even though you are the only two in the room you know that there are a room full of people on the other side of the wall. You know that there will be people who see you walk in and out of the appointment. If you are struggling with self-esteem issues, mental health issues or anxiety, completing your appointments via video link can be very beneficial because it means that you are able to have your appointment and get the help you are seeking without the issue of your anxiety flaring up from being around people.

There are instances where online appointments may not work, for example, if you need to go through paperwork together or if you have an unstable internet connection. However, if you are in a position to do online appointments and your reasons for doing it are beneficial then we highly recommend it. 

It does not matter how you seek the assistance, as long as you find a way that works for both you and your coach and provides you with the answers you are seeking.

Stop Sabotaging Yourself

Creating Resistance or Surrendering to the Experience. Choose Wisely

The past few weeks have not been great ones,  I’ve been chasing my tail with resistance showing up as procrastination, sabotaging myself with decisions (or the lack of them) and a few hiccups that go along with my low vibrations. I'm usually pretty good at getting out of this funk but I reached a new level.

I know that when I reach this point it is time to call for help and identify the block(s) that is(are) holding me back;  otherwise I’ll go in circles, digging a hole that deep that will limit my choices so before it happens I know that I have to stop it right there,  raise my hand and ask for help. I actually asked the universe to show me the right person to help me this time and Kathryn Galloway from Phoenix Intuitive Healing showed up.

It’s amazing how the Universe works, our conversation almost didn't happen, (Mercury retrograde?) but I'm glad it did.  We had the most amazing chat with lots and lots of ah-ha moments.

First one, with the amount of self-development work I’ve done over the past 15 years, I should be able to get out of the hole myself. Even healers need to heal so why should I be excluded?

Change is constant because we are constantly growing our souls, I think that is the whole purpose of our existence.

Kathryn is a psychic and intuitive coach and she is amazing! She didn’t know me prior to our call but spot on described what was holding me back, giving me an accurate picture of my problem and gave me pointers on what to do next.

Amongst other things, one of my problems was that I’ve been trying to micromanage the universe saying you need to do this and this way. The universe responds to my desires but not the way I wanted it to respond and that made me angry and not being grateful for it and creating resistance as a result.

I find it easier to accept an event when I have initiated it.  When someone else initiates change that affects me, my first reaction is to resist. However, everything that shows up in my life is the result of a vibration or, as Ho'oponopono says it, data in me.

Master Ho'oponopono with Dr Hew Len and Dr Joe Vitale

It may be an old memory that I don't like or  I may be not aware of that that has gone deep underground; like anger or hurt that I did not acknowledge at the time I first experienced it. I brushed it off and keep repeating the pattern because I failed to learn from it.

When we try to suppress emotion (especially one we've judged as negative or dangerous) it does not go away, it goes into our subconscious mind where it silently sabotages our life by setting up resistance which invites more negative experiences or at the very least not making any progress, not the one we wanted.

Resistance doesn't just put on the brakes to accomplish our goals but also disconnects us from listening to our inner voice, our true self. We lose our sense of wholeness. We feel disconnected from our true essence (higher self, or God or the Divine or however you want to call it). This disconnection begins to show up in how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others. Soon, we begin to pick up arguments with everyone around us and blaming them for the situation. Had this ever happen to you?

What can we do about resistance?

Should we resist resistance?  That doesn't work either!  If we notice resistance and try to suppress it or resist it, we create MORE!

Acceptance is transcendence

The alternative is acceptance. Not resignation, but surrendering to the experience, going with the flow.

Change is bound to happen. People are going to make choices that may affect our lives and we are going to make choices which have an effect on others. 

How to know that you are creating resistance?

Take a few moments to notice resistance in your body, mind or emotions. How do you feel it?  Procrastination? Stress? Blockage? Frustration? Confusion? Anger? Yes, all those feelings are evidence of resistance.

Overcoming Resistance

There are many ways to overcome resistance like Hypnotherapy, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping) which is one of my recent discoveries, Ho'oponopono but this time what I need to heal is my energy.

If you are experiencing resistance; it’s okay, you are growing and resistance is perfectly normal. Don’t dwell on it; surrender to the experience, change is going to happen. Use one of the techniques above mentioned, learn, feel it, overcome it. We all know that success is on the other side of that resistance.

If you want to work with Kathryn, I 100% recommend her, she is amazing! She didn’t know me prior to our call but spot on gave me an accurate description of the problem that is holding me back from achieving my goals and gave me pointers on what to do next. Contact Kathryn on her Facebook page.

[This post contains sponsored links but I test all that I recommend]

Wellfulness Tips for a Balanced Life

No one is perfect,  please stop being so hard on yourself.

It is impossible to have perfect days every day, to be happy and not worry about anything. The more we try to make every day perfect and not to feel anxious about it, the more anxious about it we feel and then guilt: how can I possibly feel this way with all the good things I have? Oh no! We all have been there at one point.
Life presents challenges, that is a fact, what is possible is to be in peace with yourself even during those challenging moments, and that is what matters and you can achieve that by finding balance in your life.
Here are my top tips to achieve that balance:


Set the intention of the day, relax your mind, feel energised. Guided, self-guided or just taking mindful minutes to yourself makes a huge difference in your overall senses of wellness. Check out this blog on achieving mindfulness with meditation


Mindset is the key to be successful on any task. You know how the popular say goes: either you think you can or you can’t, you are correct.

Set Goals & Prioritise

Feeling stuck? Well, you need to set goals. Our anxiety comes from the unmet expectation of how our lives should look like and how it is. Good news: is up to you to close that gap! by making changes by either managing your expectations (I am at the right place, at the right moment and at the right time) or by making actual changes to your life. How? answer this question: What does need to change that will make your life better? Focus on the answer, not on the problems or *cough* excuses. List everything, what is going good and what is not going so good, in all the aspects of your life. Then, take the ones you feel need improvement and after that focus on the easiest task, the achievable one. Start there. Tip to trick your conscious to move past the excuses: “If I could do it, how would I do it? This is my favourite one!!

Good nutrition

We are what we eat. Try to avoid highly processed food or with high sugar content. It’s been proven that sugar may be a contributor to depression. Drink more water, always. Also, stop labelling food, there is not such a thing as good or bad food. All food is good, full stop, you need to be mindful of the impact it has on your body, full stop, moderation is key.


Listen to some soothing music you like. Soak in a nice warm bath. Simply take a break from your stressful workload and spend the day just goofing around doing the things you love.

Aromatherapy and Essential Oils

Each kind of essential oil have their own properties and characteristics, blending a selection of essential oils together in an aromatherapy diffuser can make wonders to relax, inspire, improve sleep, cope with stress, weight loss and have healing properties.